Return of the madness!
by Kimmie3
Summary: Vincent goes tanning, Cid smokes medicinal marijuana, Cloud is diagnosed with several mental illnesses and the group meets a new unexpected enemy! all this and more, inside! Madness insues! *Please Review*
1. demensia has a new nameand that name is ...

disclaimer: My "ownership" of FF7 is alot like Vincent: I wish it was mine.. but that only exists in my imagination.  
  
RETURN OF THE MADNESS!!  
  
Author: Okay, Lemme just set up the story for ya. Its 1 year after meteor. I wonder what everyone's doing...  
  
**Author walks into Rockettown, and as she passes Cid's house she can hear Shera bitching at Cid**  
  
Author: Well, that's typical *opens door and enters house*  
  
Author: WHAAAASSUUUPPP PEOPLE??!!?  
  
**Cid and Shera stop argueing to stare at the author**  
  
Cid: Have you heard of f@#$in' knockin'?! You just can't f#$%in' waltz into my f@#$in' house like that!!!  
  
Shera: Who the f$#% is she??  
  
Author: WOULD YOU STOP F#$%IN' CURSING ON ME?!?  
  
Shera and Cid: f#$% you  
  
Author: f#$% you too! I was just f#$%in' coming over to see what the f#$& you were at! F#$#!!!  
  
Shera: Cid wants to f#$%in' lite up a f#$&in' dube, but he's not smoking that in my f#%^in' house!!  
  
Author: YOU'RE A F#$%IN' POT-HEAD NOW?! F#$% ME! ... actually, that doesnt really surprise me...  
  
Cid: It's f$#%in' MEDISONAL marijuana!!  
  
Author: Pah! What happened to ya? Your old man lungs finally rot out on ya?  
  
Cid: f$#% no! Lets just say that it involved a flock of ducks... *shudders* f#$%in' ducks!  
  
Author: ??? *looks at Shera*  
  
Shera: Don't look at me! All I know is he keeps yelling out in his sleep saying, and I quote "THATS NOT A WORM!!!"  
  
Author: ..ewwww....  
  
Cid: Well f$%^ you Shera! If I cant get my f$%^in' medicine in my own f%^&in' house, I'm goin' for a long f#%&in' ride in the f$%^in' Highwind!!  
  
Author: OoOohhh!! Can I come too??  
  
Cid: Suit yer f$%^in' self  
  
Author: YAY!! I'm getting a ride in the Highwind!! *dances out the door after Cid* tra-la-la-la-la!!  
  
**a few minutes pass and the Highwind is now flying in the air**  
  
Author: WOAH! this thing is HUGE!! *runs around the highwind* Ooohh!! Lookie! thats where Yuffie ralphed!! Oooh!! and that's where Vinny stood!! *smiles* nice shadowy place!! Oooohh!! Look!! and thats where the chocobo pecked Cait Sith to death!!  
  
Cid: That never f#$%in' happened  
  
Author: Shut up Cid! Go dance with your Mary Jane  
  
Cid: *grumbles* f#$%in' all powerful author *walks out of the room and into the chocobo stable*  
  
Author: *looks around control room* Hmmmmmmmm, I wonder what this does... *presses button*  
  
**flames rush past the open door and Cid's screaming curses can be heard**  
  
Author: Heh.. oops... I wonder how you drive this thingy?  
  
**finds manual and reads it**  
  
1 HOUR LATER  
  
Author: Hey! I think im getting the hang of this!! Hmmm... I wonder where i wanna go... hey! let's go to Costa Del Sol!! *is talking to no one in particular*  
  
**5 min later the highwind is hovering over Costa del Sol**  
  
Author: Now, to land this thing!  
  
**lands highwind on the beach with dozens of innocent by-standers screaming and running away to avoid getting crushed**  
  
Author: *climbs out of the highwind* Hey Cid! Remember where we parked!  
  
**author walks the remaining part of the beach, when she sees that oh-so- familiar pale beauty lying on the beach**  
  
Author: VINNY!!!!  
  
Vincent: GAH! *grabs Death Penalty*  
  
Author: Don't you recognize me Vincent?? Its me!  
  
Vincent: *lowers gun* you scared the CRAP outta me  
  
Author: Who me?! I scared the un-scareable Vincent Valentine?? Ooohh!! That's 1 point for me!  
  
Vincent: *glares*  
  
Author: so whatcha up to?  
  
Vincent: tanning  
  
Author: tanning!? *cracks up* you?! hahahahaha!! but Vinny, you're pale as a ghost! how long have you been out here??  
  
Vincent: I lost track after the first few hours..  
  
Author: hahahaha!! I think the color of death really likes to cling to ya, Vinny!!  
  
Vincent: *glare*  
  
Author: I've seen pale before, but GODS!!  
  
Vincent: *glare*  
  
Author: I'd say you could out-pale a piece of paper--  
  
Vincent: okay, I get it! I'm pale, you're annoying, shut up already.  
  
Author: I'm just kidding! You dont have to be such a prickled pair!!  
  
Vincent: yeah...whatever. What are you doing with the highwind?  
  
Author: OH! Cid was having a fight with Shera, so I'm off on my own little adventure now! Wanna come?!  
  
Vincent: I suppose I don't have much choice....  
  
Author: Nope, not really.  
  
Vincent: Okay. I'll come. ONLY because I have to talk to Cid.  
  
Author: Awwwwwwww, that's so cute!! You're worried about your friend!!  
  
Vincent: ...what?  
  
Author: ..you're worried that his marriage is in turmoil!  
  
Vincent: F#$^ no! That little bastard owes me money!!  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
will vincent get his money back? will the author get vincent back (heh)? will tokein' up cure Cids illness (not even THAT could cure what Cid got..)? Will the rest of the cast spirel down the path of madness??? all these questions and MORE in the next chapter!! be sure not to miss it....... and REVIEW!!  
  
Kimmie* 


	2. the imagination can be a scary thing

A/N- on with chapter 2!  
  
disclaimer: still wishing I owned FF7.. but besides the delusions, I'm still not collecting any royalties. The idea of Cid singing that certain song was taken from the Simpsons! Everything else is mine.. ALL MINE! muahahahaha!  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
Author: ..And this is the highwind. That's where Yuffie ralphed *gesturing with hands*, and that's where vincent stood *points to shadowy place*, and thats where Cait Sith got--  
  
Vincent: Kimmie, I've seen the highwind before. Theres no need for a guided tour.  
  
Author: *sweatdrop* I knew that  
  
Vincent: *nods* Hmph  
  
Author: So, I have the Highwind. I know how to pilot it. I can go wherever i want.  
  
Vincent: Impressive, even for--  
  
** Vincent is cut off, when they hear a door opening, and smoke billowing into the room, and footsteps approaching... along with a certain famous Deep Purple song (a/n still with me?)**  
  
Cid: *singing off the top of his lungs* BUM BA DA, BUM BUM BA DA, BUM BUM BA, BA DA!!  
  
** The author and vincent exchange looks **  
  
Author:...Oh sweet god..  
  
Vincent: ..Cid..?  
  
Cid: *Bursts into the room* SMOOOOOOOKE ON THE WATERRR!! bum ba da, bum bum ba da! FIREEE IN THE SKYYYY!!!  
  
Author: *Slaps forehead* This isn't happening  
  
Vincent:.. Whats wrong with him..?  
  
Author: He's been tokeing up, that's what.  
  
Vincent: Cid! You're on the wackey backey now????  
  
Cid: *Walks over to vincent, eyes all wide as he gropes his face* Oh vincent, time has ravaged your once useful looks.  
  
Vincent: ...?!  
  
Author: *Whacks Cid on the head* Shut up stoner! He can never age, got it? NEVER!!!  
  
Cid: *Turns to author* Ooohh! The world is such a pretty pallet of colors! It looks like sumone fingerpainted the sky!  
  
Author: Oh, god, vincent, just knock him out please, for the love of Jenova!!  
  
Vincent: *Rolls eyes as he gives Cid the "sleeper" move... you know the technique that makes you go night-night for 30 min...? Okay, nevermind. He hit him upside his big dumb head and knocked him out*  
  
Author: Woah, vincent, you're really strong you know?  
  
Vincent: Yes, i know of my abilities *looks at cid* what now?  
  
Author: Well, we fly somewhere else of course! Any requests?  
  
Vincent: *Thinks* How bout Neibleheim?  
  
Author: Oh no vincent! Im not flying ya back so u can cage yourself back up in that coffin!  
  
Vincent: *Looks impatient* No, Cloud's house is there..  
  
Author: If you're trying to improve your cause, you're failing. Miserably.  
  
Vincent:....  
  
Author:.....................Okay, fine. lets go.  
  
**5 min later ther arrive in neibleheim**  
  
Author: HELLLOOOOOO NEIBLEHEIM!!  
  
**Villagers stop to look at the author oddly**  
  
Author: What are YOU staring at?!  
  
**Villagers continue to stare**  
  
Vincent: She's with me  
  
**Villagers stare for a second longer then start screaming in terror and running for their little shacks as the realiztaion kicks in**  
  
Author: Oooh! I like that!! You're so swauve Vinny!  
  
Vincent:....  
  
Author: Am I REALLY with you??  
  
Vincent: ...There's still the matter of finding Cloud  
  
Author: Why?! How could he possibly help the doobey-holic known as Cid?  
  
Vincent: Pah. He wont be able to. He's a dumb ass.  
  
Author: Well, thats stating the obvious, why do u wanna find him so bad?  
  
Vincent: *clenches fists* Cuz that little bastard owes me money!!  
  
Author: *looks at Vincent oddly* Okay Vincent.... lets find cloud then, shall we... *grabs passerby, as they are running to their shack*  
  
Passerby: GAH!! lemmegolemmegolemmegoidontwannnnadieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!  
  
Author: *rolls eyes* Shut up! No one's gonna kill ya!  
  
Passerby: *lets out a sigh of releif* oh, good. (a/n niave little buggers arent they?)  
  
Author: I just want you to answer a question--  
  
Vincent: Where's Cloud Strife?  
  
Passerby: GAH! You scare me vampire-man!  
  
Vincent: DAMMIT! I am not a vampire!  
  
Author: Shut up vincent and let him answer the question!  
  
Vincent: *crosses arms and mumbles something suspiciously resembling "why i should suck him high and dry"*  
  
Passerby: Cloud Strife.... you mean that spikey-headed moron?!  
  
Author: Persicely!  
  
Passerby: Oh, he lives up there *points to a building*  
  
Author: *lets go of passerby who resumes running in terror*  
  
Author and Vincent: The insane assylum?!?!?  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
Will Vincent stop lending out money? Is Cloud really mental? Will we meet the rest of the cast in this crazy adventure? Is the author REALLY with Vincent? Stay tuned to Return of the Madness and find out!  
  
Ohhh, btw, I'm dedicateing this chapter to DarkAngel666, because she always has the nicest reviews for everything I put out! 


	3. oh GOD! the chapters just keep coming!

disclaimer: I'm here to announce that I've gotten the rights to FF7! You know what that means: Pay up everybody! bwahaha! Lawyers: Squaresoft sues you! ...Dang. I still don't own it.  
  
RETURN OF THE MADNESS!!!!  
  
Nurse: Are you SURE you wanna risk your lives to see your friend Cloud?  
  
Author: For the last time, YES  
  
Nurse: Are you absolutely sure? I mean this patient is potentially dangerous and--  
  
Author: I'M about to get potentially dangerous if you dont just bring us to f$%^ing Cloud NOW  
  
Nurse: Now, now, theres no need for that missy, I know what you need -- a nice dose of morphine! *smiles*  
  
Vincent: *points Death Penalty at nurse* Enough. Bring us to Cloud now.  
  
Nurse: *looks frightenly at Vincent* Okay....right..this...way....  
  
Author: hey-ey.. what about my morphine..? Nurse..?? ah the hell with it  
  
*they begin to walk up the hallway*  
  
Author: *to Vincent* Man, twice in one day *nudges him* you're good.  
  
Vincent: *rolls eyes*  
  
*They step through a door which is immediately locked after, and they continue down the hall, this process being repeated 3 times*  
  
Author: Hey, what do you think she meant by "potentially dangerous"?  
  
Vincent: *shrugs* But he must be pretty nuts to be put behind 3 lockdowns  
  
Author:...ya think..?  
  
Nurse: Alrighty! Here we are...heres the key...  
  
Author: ...you're giving this to me...?  
  
Nurse: You think I'm going in there?! You'd have to be nuts!.....and even though there's an excessive amount of nuts here, being the insane assylum and all.... no one goes in there... no one.  
  
Author: What's wrong with him?  
  
Nurse: What isn't? Cloud suffers from a diverse amount of illnesses.. involnary twitch disorder, manic depression, LICE, multiple personalities... I can go on  
  
Author and Vincent: ................... *blank stares*  
  
Nurse: But I'm sure you can handle it! Time for me to go now!  
  
*Nurse dissapears*  
  
*Author and Vincent exchange looks*  
  
Vincent: ....lice, eh? *takes off bandana and ties up his hair*  
  
Author: Ah, c'mon, it's only Cloud, how bad can it be? *unlocks door and opens it*  
  
** they see Cloud hunched up in a corner rocking himself back and forth and talking to himself**  
  
Author: Uh.....Cloud..?  
  
*He turns and sees them and breaks into a huge grin, then runs up to them giving them a big huge hug*  
  
Cloud: My friends! You've come to save me from this prison! thank you! thank you! thank you!  
  
Author and Vincent: *exchange looks*  
  
Author: Cloud, you hate me, and I hate you  
  
Cloud: *frowns* I dont hate you, I like you  
  
Author: ....well... then I hate you and you like me  
  
Cloud: I'm sure you'd like me if you got to know me  
  
Author: Shut up!  
  
Cloud: *turns to vincent* What about you? You came to save me right? *looks hopeful*  
  
Vincent: I came for my money you little bastard!  
  
Cloud: *frowns* but I spent it all  
  
Vincent: You WHAT?!  
  
Cloud: I spent it. I've got this new obsession! It's collectable underware! You wanna see??? I got red, and blue, and ooohh! these POLKA-DOT ones! just look at them! the craziness!!!!  
  
Vincent: *eye twitch* You spent all my money on UNDERWARE????  
  
Cloud: ...yeah....why are you so mad..?...............do u wanna pair?  
  
Vincent: AHHHHHH! *lunges for Cloud and knocks him out*  
  
Author and Vincent: ..........*stares at Cloud's unconcious body*  
  
Author:... well... what should we do with him..?? Should we rescue him..?  
  
Vincent:...rescue him..?  
  
Author: yeah! It'll give us an excuse to have some sort of a plot!  
  
Vincent:.. uh, don't you remember what the nurse said? He has multiple personalities... what if he wakes up as like Micheal Jackson or something?? You dont know what he's capable of!  
  
Author:..wellllll, lets just take him anyway..  
  
Vincent: *shrugs* Oh, the hell with it, c'mon  
  
* vincent picks up cloud and they walk out of the room*  
  
..............  
  
.............  
  
...........  
  
..................  
  
Vincent: *runs back in to the room and grabs all the underware* muahahahah! i dont have the polka-dots yet!! hahahahahaha!  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
Is Cloud actually possessing all those illnesses, or was he put there against his will? Will vincent get his money back? Will the rest of the characters show up? and where the HELL is my morphine???? Find out in the next chapter of Return of the Madness! Stay Tuned! 


	4. bears, hair and morphing

A/N: OMG! how long has it been? the poor ungodly story that never had a chance... no longer has a chance! lol :) either way, I'm gonna add another chapter for the heck of it, so if there are any die hard fans out there *sees a room full of empty chairs... and a tumbleweed goes by* umm... well its here if you wanna read it neway!  
  
Disclaimer: My "ownership" of FF7 is like Pizza. It looks good, It tastes good... but it's sure to give me indigestion once the lawsuit kicks in. Same goes for Smokey the bear.  
  
******************************************************************  
  
Author: and here we are! back safe and sound on the highwind!  
  
Vincent: well... we are certainly on the Highwind.. but I dont think we are so safe and sound anymore..  
  
Author: *looks at Cid and Cloud* oh god! they're waking up! what do we do????  
  
Vincent:....quick! over to the shadowy place!  
  
Author and Vincent: *morphs into the shadows..by vincent's magic morphing powder! yeah!*  
  
*Cloud and Cid both wake up from their unconciousness... remarkably, at the exact same time*  
  
Cid: holy balogna! its that leader guy.. with the hair, and the purple.. and the...the.. gayness man!  
  
Cloud: oh my god! u look just like me!  
  
Cid: what?!?!? if ur saying I'm gay..  
  
Cloud: Me? gay? Cid's not gay! I'm Cid! just look at this manly scruff!! and these cute little goggle thingys that I wear even though I'm inside! INSIDE!  
  
Cid: You're not Cid! I'm Cid!  
  
Cloud: You're such a silly bear! I'm Cid!  
  
Cid: F*^"&! I'M CID!  
  
Cloud: NO I'M CID  
  
Cid: I'M CID  
  
*the "Cids" keep arguing..*  
  
Vincent: get ready! REMORPH!  
  
*Vincent and the Author remorph from the shadows*  
  
Author:...well, thats gonna keep them entertained for a while.  
  
Vincent: awww.. they're gonna sleep good tonight!  
  
Author: *gives Vincent a weird look*  
  
Vincent: yeahhh, what you said.  
  
Author: so where do you want to go now??  
  
Vincent: do you know what I really want to do?  
  
Author: ooh! What?  
  
Vincent: get revenge on that wrinkly bastard Hojo!  
  
Author: yeahh... well there's this thing about that.... he kinda.. well he died. remember? actually, you killed him.  
  
Vincent: oh yeah.......... *smiles* good times... but I still want more revenge. you can never really have too much revenge.  
  
Author: true, true.......OH! I know! lets crash Shinra, clone Hojo, and then kill him again! and as many times as you'd like! OMG! we could make a cloning/killing machine!  
  
Vincent: uh.... lets just crash Shinra.  
  
Author: alrightt, but you dont know what you're missing!  
  
****the Highwind arrives at the Shinra builing... rather IN the building****  
  
Author: now thats what I call a crash course into evil! ha ha ha... *wipes away tear* oh, good one kimmie.  
  
Vincent: please stop.  
  
Author:.... OMG they're escaping!  
  
Cloud: I'm on fire! I'm on fire!  
  
Cid: stop drop and roll idiot! didn't you ever listen to Smoky the Bear?.. heh heh... thats me! Smoky the Bear! hahahaha!  
  
Author: Stand still so I can extinguish you! *uses fire extinguisher on cloud causing the whole room to go up in smoke*  
  
Cid: WOAH MAN! Smoky the Bear is in the smoke! its smoky the bears paradise! woooooo!  
  
Author: oh dear god... lets get out of here.  
  
*Author and Vincent walk up the Shinra halls, carefull not to be seen.*  
  
Vincent: ITS HIM! ITS THE GUY THAT CUT OFF MY ARM!  
  
Author: What?? Where?? He's back!? Thats impossible, you killed him!  
  
Vincent: Lies! One of such evil could never be destroyed!  
  
Author: wait..... Hojo isnt here.... Vincent, did you indulge in a little of Cid's 'special' meds?  
  
Vincent: No! such a vile evil could never be Hojo!  
  
Author: Hojo Jr? ..eww... I dont think people like that should have the right the produce offspring..  
  
Vincent: actually he wasnt, we signed a contract and everything  
  
Author: oh really? how interesting... but in the meantime, who else could it be?  
  
Vincent: ohh my dear, not so much as who....but what?  
  
Author: ...what?  
  
Vincent: THAT! *points finger*  
  
Author: Jimmy Jo-Jo the fun loving monkey? NO!  
  
Vincent: no, not him, that!  
  
Author: ...the vending machine... ?(- DEDICATED TO SCURVY KAT! lol, such a funny idea! i appraise you!) you lost your arm in a vending machine?????  
  
Vincent: still think loosing a dollar is worth loosing your hand? That's right! It's not! learn from my mistakes!  
  
*just as the author was about to make fun of Vincent for going against the unwritten rule of vending machinnes everywhere, 'smoky the bear' and 'spikey headed moron' appear in a frenzy*  
  
author: quick! hide!  
  
* Vincent and author morph into the vending machine*  
  
(Vincent: hey! my arm!)  
  
Cloud: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHH! *takes deep breath* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! *runs into the hallway*  
  
Cid: I SAID: LEARN NOT TO BURN! LEARN DAMMIT!  
  
Reno: whats all the commotion out here?  
  
Cid: hey! it's that guy! with the hair, and the booze... and the.. the.. the BOOZE! nice to meet you. my name is Smokey the Bear.... can I have some of your smokey BEER! hahaahahah  
  
Reno: no. all the smokey beer is mine. though I CAN give you a free passage down pain ville, with a few stops at imgoingtokillyou.  
  
Cid: free huh..... hmmm, let me think about that one  
  
Rude: hey Reno man! You gotta see this!  
  
Reno: *sigh* what is it NOW Rude? you've been talking my ear off all day  
  
Rude: I finally got it! I got the hair transplant! look! a full head of hair, and its all my own! finally! no more being called Kojack or Mr Clean! I'm in heaven!  
  
Reno: *slaps cheek dramatically* looking good Rude! this calls for a celebration! Drinks all around!  
  
Cloud: *clamps on to rudes leg and starts "acting like a dog"* Hair! lots of hair! Just like Cloud! heheheheheh!  
  
Rude: ew! get it off! Reno help its touching me!  
  
Reno: Here boy! *whistles* come over boy!  
  
Cloud: *barks happily and runs to Reno*  
  
Reno: good boy! *kicks him knocking him out* ...freak.  
  
Rude: AHHHH! theres something on me! *apparently lice is very catchy, especially Clouds super-radioactive lice, which proceeds to devoir all the hair on rudes head* NOOOOOOOOO!  
  
Reno: hahaahaha *points at Rude while holding his stomach*  
  
Cloud: *has an invulnary twitch and smacks Reno in the side of the head*  
  
Reno: ow! he's unconcious! what the hell?  
  
Cid: I've thought about your deal, and I'm going to have to decline. the only place this smokey bear wants to travel is to the forest, to teach the boyscouts about fire!  
  
Reno: are you still here?  
  
Vincent: he's not the only one thats here  
  
Reno: what the? the vending machine is talking! Rude! you were right! it is cursed! with the arm of Vincent!  
  
Rude: lets get out of here!  
  
*Reno and Rude run off like scared little girls*  
  
*the author and Vincent demorph*  
  
Vincent: it was horrible! I become the thing I hated the most! damn you irrisisstable sparkiling soda! This war isn't over yet!  
  
********************************************************************  
  
Will Rude ever recover from his tramatizing experience? What happened to renos offer of drinks all around? What other diseases will we find out that Cloud has? Has Vincent finally cracked? FIND OUT AND MORE IN THE NEXT CHAPTER OF RETURN OF THE MADNESS! 


	5. the idiot strikes back!

disclaimer: My "Ownership" of FF7 is like my cat: Fluffy and cute, but having the potential to cough up some major mess that I wouldn't want to clean up.  
  
A/n: so i finally decided that i wanted to finish this story.. because its begging for an ending.. and plus no one seems interested anymore, because I hardly get any reviews *cough* So lets go out with a bang! boy howdy! yeeeee hawww!! ....................  
  
*******************************************************************  
  
Intercom: attention Vincent, Author who I dont know thier name, Cloud and Cid. report to room 109 for lots of punishment and pain and death and BURNING AND SLAPPING AND BITING AND STABBING AN- (psst-get the hell on with it) *whispering* -shut up, this is my MOMENT!- (I dont give a rats ass, I cloned you so you're gonna do what I say) you're telling the plot! (no YOU ARE, gimmie that!) no! its my microphone! (BAHHH) *lots of static and hitting and the intercom buzzes off*  
  
Vincent: that was odd..  
  
Cloud: NO MORE BITING!! AHHHHHHH!!  
  
Author: how come he doesnt know my name... *sniff* *bawls*  
  
Cid: Smokey the Bear knows when to exit! exiting now!  
  
Vincent: waiiittt a minute. lets just leave. Smokey the Bear has a point. I'm in no mood to be bitten . *I* do the biting around here.  
  
Author: *looks at Vincent strangely* did you just say what I thought you said?  
  
Vincent: ..................OMG! look over there!  
  
* shinra soldiers race towords them in every direction*  
  
Author: so, now you're escourting us? I thought this was a walk in appointment! make up your minds!  
  
Soldier: just your average... *BUM BUM BUM* DEATH MARCH! bwahahahah ahahaha AH ahaha.. ha.... ha.....  
  
Vincent, Author and Cid: *cowers* death march!? *BUM BUM BUM!*  
  
Cloud: ah hahah ahah u look like a lego man. hahaha  
  
Soldier: .........and you look like a spikey headed moron! NOW MARCH!  
  
*****MEANWHILE******  
  
???: bwahaha! I have created you in the image of the craziest, most nuttiest, and therefore most brilliant scientist Shinra has ever seen!  
  
???:.... then why did you call me Blowjo?  
  
???... because its funnier that way. see, funny. blow-jo hahaahha.  
  
Blowjo: this is a discrace to my image! You will feel my wrath! FEEL IT!  
  
???: *buzzez Blowjo with electro-rod thing* silence Blowjo! let us meet the prisoners! AH ahahahahahahAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA  
  
***********  
  
*As Vincent, Cid, Cloud and the Author get pushed into a pitch black room, suddenly it lights up showing a horrid display!*  
  
Author: oh no! they captured the gang!  
  
*yes, you guessed it, the gang has been captured. Tifa, Barret, Yuffie, Reeve, Nanaki and Aeris are all tied up to chairs. looking pretty scared, mind you. like a bunch of pansies!*  
  
Vincent: Oh no! you're right!....wait, I dont care.  
  
*suddenly two figures appear*  
  
Vincent: *GASP* Hojo! you're alive!  
  
???: thats not Hojo u fool! thats BLOWJO!  
  
Cloud: hey Blowjo, my name is Scarlet *grooowwwwlll* *wink*  
  
Author: who is that? question mark question mark question mark? what kinda name is that??  
  
???: *I* am the one and only... PALMER!   
  
Everyone (including bystanders and Blowjo): AHAHAHAHAAH! Palmer?! the supervillian?!? bahahahaha!  
  
Palmer: SILENCE! the sherade is over! time for you to see the mastermind behind the lard! I had u all fooled! FOOLED I tell ya!  
  
Everyone: *exchanged glances* wha?  
  
Palmer: it was *I* who sent those ducks to attack you...  
  
Cid: THATS NOT A WORM! THATS NOT A WORM! *goes into hysterics*  
  
Palmer: it is *I* who invented the delicious sparkling soda....  
  
Vincent: *colapses to his knees* NOOOOOOOOO! You inhuman monster!  
  
Palmer: ... I didnt really have to do anything with you, you were kinda naturally cracked  
  
Cloud: blah haheheh Oh Palmy! come to mama Scarlet you big cream puff  
  
Palmer: ........I cloned you and named you Blowjo. i think thats enuff for destroying your dignity  
  
Blowjo: wait.... Blowjo...haha, I think im getting it, hahaha....waittttt thats my NAME?!  
  
Author:... well, I'm not convinced, you're still a tub o lard in my eyes. hardly a supervillian... and Triple Q?! is that the best you could come up with???  
  
Palmer: ohhhh, no. your's was my ultimate act of evil. For it was *I* who made no one give you reviews! bwahahahaah I poluted your stories with meaningless dribble that no one wants to read!! bwhahahaha! and you suck!! hahahaha  
  
Author:.....thats it? well guess what?! YOUR FAT.  
  
Palmer: THIS! this is why you all must pay! can't you all get it through your pee-brains that I'm just misunderstood! Just because I am slightly obease-  
  
Cloud: you're like a big soft muffin!  
  
Palmer: -.....slightly obease, you think you can lower me?! hit me with trucks! only show the scenes where I am eating lard and being stupid?! They were cuts! they shouldnt have ever been aired! now you all will pay! willlll paayyyyyyy! Blowjo! get me my Notebook!  
  
Blowjo: Yessss heh heh heh, the NOTEBOOK! hahahahaah *gives it to Palmer*  
  
Palmer: *mumbles as flipping through pages* lets see...yeah.. mmmhmm... OKEY! I will get my revenge starting with the deaths of your comrades! *walks to the tied up people* Nanaki, you will die by me playing a tape of all your dialouge. Yeah, thats right, I'm gonna bore you to death cuz you're a stupid boring lion-dog-cat-beast thing! bwhahaahahaha!  
  
Nanaki: the planet calls out to me, screaming with the agony of knowledge. It is apparent that I will mesh with the bright liquid of the-  
  
Author: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SHUT HIM UP!  
  
Palmer: Yuffie, you will die by Blowjo throwing materia orbs at you constantly until you die. IRONY! don't you see it?!  
  
Yuffie: do I get to keep the ones I catch in my mouth?  
  
Palmer:... ahhhh, well seeing that you will die.... no.  
  
Yuffie : *pouts* no fair! I never get to do anything around here!  
  
Palmer: Barrett... ha.. this one is good. you will die by getting run over by a train! cuz you know what they say, THIS TRAIN DONT STOP! hahaha....god I am good.  
  
Barret: You da fattest foo' I ever see! u will pay Shinra fat ass!  
  
Palmer: ... oh haha, quite doutbfull... oh Tifa... U will die, by Scarlet personally slapping you to death.  
  
Tifa: you know, maybe you should try a little tae bo. a little martial arts is good for the flab.  
  
Palmer: SILENCE! Aeris... you will die by... wait a minute, you're already dead...  
  
Aeris:......................*disappears in a POOF! of smoke*  
  
Blowjo: well that makes my job a little easier! ah ahahaha!  
  
Palmer: SHUT UP BLOWJO! only *I* may laugh! *buzzes Blowjo with the thing*  
  
Blowjo: bah!  
  
Palmer: now, and finally, Mr reeve! I will kill you myself for creating Cait Sith! what were you thinking! are you on crack?!  
  
Reeve: My Cait Sith! i havent seen him in oh so long! where is he???  
  
Author: uh... dont you remember?  
  
***FLASHBACK***  
  
Cait Sith: Hey guys! Who wants to play Monopoly?!  
  
Yuffie: *flings her conformer at him*  
  
Everyone: *looks at her strangely*  
  
Yuffie: What? I hate Monopoly! Vincent always cheats!  
  
Vincent: Big talk coming from a theif..  
  
Yuffie: You want a piece of this?!  
  
Vincent: Bring it on  
  
Cait Sith: *short circuts*  
  
*** END FLASHBACK***  
  
Reeve:...oh yeahh...  
  
Palmer: oh... well then if Cait Sith is dead... then I have no beef with you, you are free to go.  
  
Cait Sith #34957439574395: You're in luck! Im a clone of Cait Sith #34957439574394! Back to help you on your tales of -  
  
Vincent: *shoots cait sith point blank* how many times im i going to have to keep doing that???  
  
Reeve: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  
  
Palmer: ahahahaah! now! what are you going to do, my not-so-friends?! ...TIE THEM UP BLOWJO!  
  
Author: well, this is just getting interesting.... I wonder what is going to happen...?  
  
****************************************************************** How does Monopoly exist in the FF7 world? Will Cait Sith clone himself and return? More importantly, will Vincent run out of bullets? And how will our hereos escape this dastardly situation? Stay tuned to find out, in the next episode of Return of the Madness! 


	6. this is the end my only friend, the end

Return of the Madness!  
  
Chapter 6: this is the end... my only friend, the end.  
  
A/N: GASP! here i am again! this is a real short one!  
  
Random reader: Woohoo... now i dont have to read it like all your other stories!  
  
author: hey! how did u get in here??  
  
random reader: well, we all know how open minded you are... unfortuantly for you, your brain fell out  
  
author: ....me loose brain? uh oh......  
  
random reader: yeah... and due to the brainlessness of your dear author.. im forced to tell you to "ENJOY" the last chapter of the "official" story......... yeah... i know what youre thinking... i dont like the looks of those quotations.... who knows what vile plans she has conjured up to corrupt you?!  
  
author: *dribbles her fingers over her lips*  
  
random reader: ........yeah, and pop music has already taken over half the world anyway, so odds are, youre already corrupted, so i wouldnt worry.  
  
Disclaimer: no ownership by me for the following: FF7, authors Skurvy Kat and Dark_Angel666, and of course, jello jigglers.  
  
**************************************************************************** *  
  
Narrator: T'was a dark and stormy night  
  
Not a creatue was in flight  
  
All the heroes were in fright  
  
The unlikely villian was quite a sight...  
  
Oh who! Oh who would end this plight?!  
  
author: YES!! who IS gonna end this plight?!.......waiiiittt a minute... since when did this story have a narrator? a rhyming one at that.....  
  
Narrator: *smiles* It's me! Dark_Angel666!  
  
Here to help your story from the fritz!  
  
*scratches head* seems as if all the seats are empty out in tv land...  
  
Perhaps you need a rock and roll band?  
  
author:.........nah. I'm just gonna finish the story.  
  
Narrator: very well, you refuse my helpfullness..... Let us return to Return of the Madness!!  
  
***back to story***  
  
Palmer: BWAHAHAHAHA!! you're all tied up and doomed to a slow and painful death, with no escape! hahahahahahaah! any last requests you blubbering fools?!  
  
author: ummmmmmm.... maybe just one..... could you untie me and set me free??  
  
Palmer: Okey! let me just get my... WAIT! you surely dont think *I* am stupid enough to fall for that, do you??? I am the mighty Triple Q! bwhaahahahah!  
  
Blowjo: *sneaks up on Palmer* obviously you're stupid enough to leave Blowjo alone with the electro-rod-dealy! FEEL MY WRATH! *cranks up power on the thing and jabs it at Palmer, disappearing forever in the layers of fat*  
  
Palmer: BAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! *fat jiggles like mad as Palmer is electrocuted*  
  
***everyone is hypnotised as they watch the fat fly***  
  
Cid: wooooahhhh man... it's like jello jigglers.......just like momma used to make!  
  
Vincent: cant......take........eyes.......off.....AHHHHHH!!!  
  
author: Holy sh*t! hes like a lava lamp on steroids!!!  
  
**suddenly Palmer explodes into a million neatly packaged cans of lard**  
  
Rufus: *runs into the room* What the hell is going on out here?!?! I DEMAND SATISFACTION!! I AM RUFUS SHI--- *gets hit by a random can of lard and knocks him out*  
  
*cloud starts laughing uncontrollably and falls down*  
  
Narrator: The turn of events was horrible marred  
  
Seems Palmer WAS a tub of lard!  
  
Will our heroes now escape?  
  
Or will Blowjo now reinforce them with industrial tape????  
  
Blowjo: ITS HOJO!!!! H-O-J-O!!! now its time to get my revenge! ...............Physcopathic-tard-with-dangerous-weapon style! BWAHAHAHAHA!!! *hauls a chainsaw out of no where* HERRREEESSS HOJO!  
  
Vincent: HES GOT THE CHAINSAW!! *starts trying to get away, but since hes tied to a chair he just falls*  
  
Hojo: time to cut off your--  
  
Author: GASP! nooooo!! thast inhuman!  
  
Reeve: you truely are a monster!!  
  
Hojo: Thats right! I'm gonna cut off all your precious HAIR! bwahahahaha!  
  
everyone: *exchanges glances* ....hair...?  
  
Vincent: *who's still on the floor* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! *bawls*  
  
Narrator: but out of the turbulance of the night..  
  
Alas! A creature IS in flight...  
  
*skuvey kat begins to swing in on a rope*  
  
Skurvey Kat: DIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! *sees her hands are catching on fire* BAH! rope burn!! Rope burn!! *falls on a balcony and brushes herself off like nothing happened* ahem. as i was saying.. *grabs another rope*  
  
author: WAIT!!!!! thats not a rope!! thats electrical wir--  
  
**alot of screams and electrical burning is heard, when skurvey kat eventually forms a smoldering pile on top of Hojo**  
  
vincent:........well......at least you saved the day.....?  
  
Skurvy Kat: heh.... surprise!  
  
narrator: *walks into room* And so the day is saved yet again, Thanks to Kimmie and all her friends!  
  
Skurvy Kat: HEY! *I* saved the day!! didnt you just hear what vincent just said???  
  
Dark_Angel666: whatever. Im just reading what the scrip says.. *sarcastically* by the way, did i tell tell you what a fine piece of work this is?? And can i stop this friggin poet facade yet? Just because i write poem, doesnt mean i speak in rhyme every minute of every day. Im going home... you owe me money.  
  
Skurvy Kat: me too! Emotional Damages!!! GIMMIE GIMMIE GIMMIE!!!! or feel my wrath!  
  
Author: alright, alright, dont have a turkey. *gives them each a wheelbarrow of cash*  
  
Vincent: GASP! my money!!! It was you!! You stole my money you little bastard!!!  
  
author: uhh........ i think thats your cue Dark_Angel666... i grant your wish!  
  
*Dark_Angel666 grabs vinny and gives him a bone-crushing hug... literally*  
  
author: ..buying me enough time to get away.....*laughs* story dismissed!!!!!!  
  
**THE END***  
  
************************************************************  
  
Author *back from the crazyhouse* and so i take these 5 times a day and.... *notices people are there* aheh... gummie bears... really. well... this isnt really the end.... WAIT! no! come back! ....uh....well, to those of you that are still with us..  
  
*the tumbelweed once again makes its appearance as it rolls across the screen*  
  
author: ....theres gonna be an encore credits chapter.... well, if i gets any encores.. or if i just feel like it.. i have that power!! lol ! ...all thats left for you to do is REVIEW! ENCORE! whatever!  
  
BTW: skurvy kat and dark_angel666 are both great authors. check out dark_angel666's really great poetry, and skurvy kat's wacky tales of wackiness! and dont lower their credability just b/c i refered them! lol  
  
PEACE OUT  
  
Kimmie* 


	7. CREDITS!: this story makes no sense!

CREDITS!: This story makes no sense  
  
****************************************************  
SHIFT SCENE TO TIFA'S BAR.........  
  
Sephiroth: Welcome to another eppisode of Sephy's World! Since I was banished from this story, you will all feel the wrath of the mighty Sephiroth!! bwahahaha.... wait, that expression has been said WAY too much in this story... ummm, hold on now...You will reep the rewards of my revenge! YES! hahahahaha! well anyway, here I grace the presence of Tifa's Bar with the losers of Avalanche. I demand that you tell me what you thought of the story, you pathetic mortals!  
  
Nanaki: Such an epic tale of heroism speaks with --  
  
Sephiroth: *rolls eyes* yeah, and watching paint dry would be more interesting. *performs Super Nova on him and he dies*  
  
*A cheer rises throughout the land*  
  
Yuffie: *grins showing many lost teeth* I caught 5 materia orbs!!! FIVE!! *laughs hysterically*  
  
Reeve: my poor Cait Sith... how I miss him! *bawls* WHAT KIND OF SADISTIC AUTHOR WOULD KILL OFF SUCH AN EXCELLENT CHARACTER?????  
  
Sephiroth: ...I dont even know where to begin on how wrong that statement was.  
  
Reeve: I HATE THIS STORY!!!! *runs out of the room bawling*  
  
*no one seems to care*  
  
Sephiroth: ....so... how bout you?  
  
Tifa: *pissed* I only got one line!!! what kinda F*cking story is this without Tifa?! This story is shit! *stomps out of the room*  
  
*Cid starts laughing for no apparent reason*  
  
*..and Cloud suddenly runs across the screen like a chocobo*  
  
Cloud: AHHHHHHHHBOOGALALALCHA!  
  
Barret: I pity da mofo dat struts up forgettin' ma bling bling! YO! You down wit da east side? You representin'?  
  
Sephiroth:....jah?  
  
Barret:...........foo'  
  
Sephiroth:.......loser  
  
Cid: hehehehehehehhehehehhhe!  
  
Cloud GOOBAHBOOBAHGAH!  
  
Sephiroth:... and thats my cue!  
  
***************************************************  
  
Sephiroth: And we're back! Say hello to the halls of Shinra! ....awww... such childfilled memories... aww... that's where I got probed for the first time *smiles* and that's where Hojo chased me with the hypodermic syringe *holds microphone close to his heart* what a kodiac moment that day was! *sheds a tear*... oh well, enough remenissing... talk to me shinra!  
  
Reno: yo man! want a refressment?  
  
Sephiroth: are you mad? i am above such human weaknesses! ach.. what fools these mortals be!  
  
Rude: pass one this way buddy *sniff* i really need it *starts crying*  
  
Reno: *pats rude on the back* Its okey man, you had a rough day.  
  
Sephiroth: didnt like the story huh?  
  
Rude: I HAD HAIR! BEAUTIFUL HAIR! EVEN MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN YOUR'S!  
  
Sephiroth: Watch it Mr Kojack Clean! you're treading on some pretty dangerous territory!  
  
Rude: *eye twitch* He put the two of them into one!! Kojack... Mr Clean! AHHHHHHH!! Ill get you, and your little puppet too! ah ahahaha!! *runs towards Sephiroth*  
  
Sephiroth: yeah, how bout no? *puts his masamune to work*  
  
Reno: *passes out from all the liquor intake he sustained in every fanfic story*  
  
Sephiroth: well how about that? he does have a breaking point!.*laughs at his joke* now here is the lard bucket himself. Palmer! Youve never looked....uh... well, actually, u look just as fat as you did when i last saw you. hmm, maybe fatter.  
  
Palmer: *in the process of being reconstructed from cans of lard by nameless Shinra soldiers* MHPPHK SFOMS GON!  
  
Sephiroth: whats that?  
  
Shinra soldier: he said he's hungry.  
  
Sephiroth: hungry?  
  
Palmer: *takes a bite out of his arm which is lard* please! save me from myself! *takes another bite*  
  
Sephiroth: *shudders* thats just disturbing and i am leaving.  
  
*sephiroth walks down the hall till he comes across dear old dad*  
  
Sephiroth: DAD! how's it going!?  
  
Hojo: ahh its you. come here son, i have imperitive news to tell you.  
  
Sephiroth: yeah?! goodie! I get a secret! I get a secret! *dances over to Hojo*  
  
Hojo: now with you're help, I have a plan that could make us take over the w-- *looks at camera* what the hell is that doing here?!  
  
Sephiroth:... its Sephy's World! Dont you remember my tv show?? YOU DONT EVEN WATCH IT DO YOU?!?  
  
Hojo: ahh... yes... well..... Sephy's World is just gonna have to be put on hold *shoots the camera man*  
  
*camera falls to the ground and breaks and the screen goes fuzzy*  
  
*******************************************************  
  
Sephiroth: well, after an hour of travelling and a new camera man, here we are at the master suite in the honey bee inn! It is my honor to present to the audience, the author of this story, Kimmie!  
  
Author: *Bows* thank you all! now would you excuse me, we're kinda busy here!  
  
*screen shows kimmie in the hot tub with various men... vincent, janus, legolas... ect*  
  
Vincent: i dont know how u convinced me into this.  
  
Janus: I am not even in this game. let alone this time period! Do you know that you're interrupting my search for Shala????  
  
Author: *rolls eyes* face it janus! shes dead!  
  
Janus: *puts head down and starts crying* SHAALLLAAAA!!!  
  
Legolas: i havent had so much fun in 10 000 years!  
  
Author: damn you and your immortallity!  
  
*Theres frantic knocking on the door*  
  
Dark_Angel666 and Skurvey Kat: LET US IN!!!  
  
Dark_angel666: Ill give you a cookie!  
  
Skurvey Kat: Ill give you my brain!  
  
Author: Nope! No dice! everyone, out!.....wait, not you Sephiroth, you can stay!  
  
Sephiroth: *shrugs* okey!  
  
***************************************************  
  
Sephiroth: Well, I hope you liked this Eppisode of Sephy's World! Btw, dont bother telling me, I know there was nothing to do with credits. but we well get to that! In closing, here are a few of the random characters that are pointless to the plot! Let us remember these brave souls!  
  
Shera: F*CK YOU CID! F*CK YOU AND UR DAMN MEDS!  
  
Innocent bystanders: Oh get ready for that class action suit you B*STARDS!  
  
Really dumb hicks of neibleheim: It was a vampire it was! Deese peepers dont lie!  
  
Nurse from the insane assylum: *singing* Puff the magic dragon lived by the sea... OH! didnt see u there! WHO WANTS SUM MORPHINE?  
  
The tumbleweed: *rolls by and bows to its loyal fans*  
  
Sparkling soda vending machine: *Just stands there-- what do you expect it to do?*  
  
Cait Sith #34957439574394: *Is shot down by vincent*  
  
Sephiroth: And so ends a magnificant story. See you all on the other side! bwhahaahahahahha! *disapears into a *POOF!* of smoke*  
  
**********************************  
  
Actual credits:  
  
Cloud: became a millionaire selling collectable underware on E-bay  
  
Cid: Stays up late listening to Jimmy Hendrix and Pink Floyd while taking his meds. he was cured in a week, but that doesnt stop him, no siree!  
  
Shera: eventually joined Cid, and has mastered the art of Zen.  
  
Vincent: is still tanning, keeping the dream alive!  
  
Nurse: has become a drug lord selling morphine, all the while keeping her day job!  
  
Reno: eventually admitted himself into the Betty Ford clinic, became friends with the Nurse, and hasn't thought about beer since!  
  
Rude: spends all of his time trying on wigs, and bicotting Mr Clean because of harmfull stereotypes.  
  
Hojo/Blowjo: is finishing his plans to take over the world, but his plans are foiled my triple Q who has turned the other cheek to evilness.  
  
Palmer/Triple Q: Lard salesman by day, super hero by night.  
  
Naniki: has successfully cured insomnia.  
  
Yuffie: Has recently appeared on "Ripley's: Believe it or Not", making the world record of catching 100 materia orbs in her mouth in 60 seconds!  
  
Barret: has become a full-time impersonater of Mr T, performing 1-800- COLLECT commercials, with his new "pal" Carrot Top!  
  
Tifa: has mastered the art of Tai-Bo, and is currently Palmer's personal trainer.  
  
Aeris: Lives on in the Lifestream, occasionally scaring little kids in the church as a ghost for kicks.  
  
Reeve: is in the process of building Cait Sith #124323523453465436  
  
Skurvey Kat: is still an author recovering from rope burn.  
  
Dark_angel666: still writes poems, and is currently spending her wheelbarrow of money on getting the rights of Vincent.  
  
Rufus: Has mysteriously vanished after getting hit by the can of lard. Some say he has gained an interest in lard, and weighs over 500 pounds!  
  
Author: is still alive, believe it or not, writing and happy!  
  
******************************************  
  
A/n: Thanks to all those who read my stories, reviewed, or just read the first chapter and thought it was crap! This story took 6 or 7 months! it is done! hurrah! please, review, and tell me what u thought of the whole story!  
  
THE END (for real this time) 


End file.
